How To Be A Celebrity In Nigeria

By on September 12, 2014

Celebrities are public property; no two ways about it. The whole ‘celeb’ culture as a whole is an industry in itself. Magazines, websites, blogs and even newspapers live off the celebrity culture. So, anyone who says being a celebrity is over-rated had better think again.

Actor and film-maker Kunle Afolayan recently released his own list of how to be a celebrity in Nigeria. Having seen the list, TATTLES decided to write on behalf of the voiceless ‘fan’.

 

  1. You must be a mobile ATM at all times. Very applicable (to the following Police, Customs and Immigration officers) at check points, airports and borders, as well as area boys.

Kunle and other celebrities shouldn’t complain about this. After all, we are the ones who buy your CDs and other releases (this line has been used by every area boy/girl since the beginning of time whenever they want to extort a celebrity). So, pardon us if we ask for our own ‘share’ of your loot!

 

  1. You must never have personal problems, only solve people’s problems, including buying breakfast for strange figures, because “boys must chop”.

If you choose, carry all the problems of this world on your head. E no concern us! Bros, when the time reach, boys must, indeed, chop!! If my favourite celebrity cannot solve my problem, who will?

 

  1. You must never have moods. It’s forbidden; you are not human remember?

Yes oo, you are not human! How can one human being kill 20 people with one single punch? How can an ordinary man get to marry the king’s daughter, despite the number of well-to-do, handsome princes and kings who wanted her hand in marriage? How can an ordinary human being manage to always look spotless at all times?

  1. You must never have an opinion. It’s not permitted. Else, you incur the people’s wrath.

Again, a celebrity is every body’s property! You are not permitted to have an opinion! You must always say “I agree” or “yes” to everything. We don’t watch your movies or listen to your songs for your opinion. You are whoever we make you out to be.

  1. You must be ready to receive insults on social media platforms, especially from annoying anonymous persons. Also, be ready to be impersonated on ‘Facebook’ with many pages [created] by miscreants ripping innocent people off in your name.

Social media is no man’s land. So, when we drop comments on your music or film, on a blog or Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, suck it up and do better next time. If you no wan see people comments, u fit delete all your social media accounts and let’s see who will lose. There are plenty celebrities waiting to be ‘abused’ and ‘insulted’ just to get their names out there.

  1. You must never have a life.

How many times we go explain this one? If you wanted a life, you should have never become a celebrity! Period!

  1. You must be ready to overlook and endure everything, even if it’s to your detriment.

Imagine seeing the headline – ‘Kunle Afolayan Slaps/Head-butts/ Kicks/ a Fan’ splashed across the front-page of all the major newspapers across the country? Who e go pain pass? You or the fan? So, bros, always be ready to turn the other cheek.

  1. Be ready to pay your fans for seeing your movies or listening to your music. You are everyone’s fan! Ever been told “you are my biggest fans oo. I dey watch your film oo, make you settle.” Hmmm, if I’m your fan I wonder what you are to me

Do you know how difficult it is to leave your house to go to the cinema to watch a movie or download one song? If you knew, then, bros, you no go complain.

Note: Don’t get all that’s been said twisted. Celebrities are people too and they deserve every bit of their privacy. So, respect them!

Have a wonderful weekend.

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